A Naruto Christmas Crack Fic
by Fullmetal Llama
Summary: One twitchy, hyperactive, sugar high freak decided to write a story in which a bunch of ninjas gather together in a giant Christmas party. Mmyeah.
1. Christmas Cheer

**Note: No ninjas ACTUALLY abused drugs, got drunk, or had their fingers snapped off in the making of this fic.**

**All characters (besides Gildergn, Uvinkyu, and Edward Elric) © Masashi Kishimoto. Bow down to him, ya'fools.**

**Edward © Hiromu Arakawa.**

**Gildergn and Uvinkyu © themselves.**

- - -

"Christmas party?" Sasuke didn't even try to hide the disgust in his voice as he glared down at the colorful invitation in his hand. Snow was falling softly, covering the ground with a thin layer of glittering white flakes. "Hosted by that idiot _Naruto_? And...'Secret Santa?' I'm not buying _anyone _anything. No way." He crumpled up the paper, tossing it over his shoulder. "No frickin' way."

But before he could walk away, a hand closed tightly around his wrist. Itachi had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, and he was now dragging Sasuke off.

"Stop touching me!" Sasuke protested, trying to escape. "No matter how many sick, twisted fanfics you've read, I am NOT gay with you! Let me go! What the hell do you think you're—" He fell silent as Itachi slammed Sasuke's head against the side of a building, knocking Sasuke out cold.

"We're going to a Christmas party," was all Itachi said.

- - -

That was why Sasuke was sitting in a chair, clad in the signature red and white outfit of Santa Claus. Fuming, he remembered how Itachi had freakin' _kidnapped _him and dressed him in the ridiculous clothes. They were almost as bad as that black body suit he loved to wear.

And so, that was why he was glaring sullenly at everyone who would dare to meet his gaze. That was why he was even _at _the stupid party in the _first _place. His hands were bound to the armrests of the chair, and his wrists were beginning to throb due to the tightness of the rope...and the fact that he had slit them the night before in his usual "emo ritual."

The party was already quite crowded, and Sasuke had been sitting there sulking for the past twenty minutes as more and more people arrived.

About ten minutes after the party had started, Kakashi stepped into the overcrowded room, placing a random CD player down on the ground, plugging it into the wall, and pressing "PLAY."

"Kakashi-sensei, you're late..." Naruto began to whine, but he closed his mouth once the music started.

It was the Vonage song.

"THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG!" Naruto burst out, grinning gleefully as he triumphantly threw his hands into the air.

"Kill me..." Sasuke hissed, shifting uncomfortably in the Santa outfit. "Somebody _please _just _kill me_..." The constantly repeating chorus of "Whoo-hoo-whoo-hoo-hoo" from the Vonage song was beginning to completely piss him off. Plus - he was dressed as Santa against his will, and his normal "I'm going to kill you, biatch" disposition didn't help lighten his mood.

Naruto stepped cautiously over to Sasuke, raising an eyebrow. "Nice suit, Sasuke. Are you...uh...trying to seduce me...by wearing it...or something? 'Cause, I mean, we both know you're gay, and, uhm... Well... It's sorta...sexy on you...and...uhm, yeah..."

Sasuke's left eye began to twitch, but before he could reply, a loud fangirl shriek echoed off the walls, completely drowning out the Vonage song.

"Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! DATTEBAYO!"

(Irritated, Kakashi turned up the volume of the CD player.)

The source of the scream, a sugar-happy fangirly mass of energy, hurled herself at Naruto, glomping him.

Naruto froze, sniffing the air. His eyes widened in shock as he asked timidly, "Do you...have ramen...?"

The sugar-high freak (whose name was Uvin) grinned at Naruto, letting go of him and hopping excitedly from foot to foot. "No, I don't have any, but we could go get—" Her mouth fell open. She had turned her head, and was staring, completely frozen, at...

"NEJI!" Her scream rose above the music yet again as she flung herself into him.

Wincing, Kakashi turned up the music even louder. The entire building was shaking and the floor was vibrating violently because of the noise.

"Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo-whoo-hoo-hoo..." The song continued as Sasuke began to twitch visibly.

"I smelled ramen..." Naruto whined, gazing suspiciously at Uvin. "So..." He turned his attention back to Sasuke. "Do _you _like ramen?"

"Shut...the hell...up..." Sasuke hissed, trying to break free from the ropes tying his arms to the chair. "Itachi...is going to DIE for this..."

- - -

Several feet away, Neji grumbled, "I feel violated..." as he tried to detach himself from Uvin, who was clinging to him tightly. When he realized the situation was absolutely hopeless, he hissed, "Whatever you do...don't you DARE braid my hair..."

- - -

Hinata, meanwhile, was standing in a corner, giggling as she blushed bright red. Of course she was always blushing – Byakugan came in handy when you wanted to see through peoples' clothes...

Yes, Hinata _was _a closet pervert.

Shikamaru was hunched over in the other corner, clutching a needle tightly as he plunged it into his arm. He swiftly pulled it out, stuffing it into his pocket as he swallowed a handful of pills, letting out an uncharacteristic giggle. This was what he lived for – getting high (although most of the time he was incredibly "low").

- - -

Gaara had never gotten drunk before. He had never even tasted alcohol until Kankuro (who was already high since he had stolen some of Shikamaru's drugs) offered him a drink.

Shortly after, Gaara didn't know how many glasses he had drunk.

And he felt absolutely loopy.

Fighting to see clearly through his double vision, Gaara proceeded to watch his sand coil around one of Kankuro's fingers. With a lopsided, insane, drunken grin, Gaara clenched his hand shut.

A horrible snapping of bone was heard, and Kankuro screamed, "AAAAUGH! SON OF A B—"

Sighing, Kakashi raised the already deafening volume of the music as the song ended and a new one began ("Vonage – Funky Ninja Extreme Super Groovy Mofo Dance Mix").

And that was when Gai and Lee stepped through the door.


	2. Naked Ninjas

**Naruto and all other characters (besides Gildergn, Uvinkyu, and Edward Elric) © Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Edward © Hiromu Arakawa.**

**Gildergn and Uvinkyu © themselves.**

- - -

Gai and Lee had entered the room, and Lee was grinning from ear to ear. "Sensei! It is the Vonage Funky Ninja Extreme Super Groovy Mofo Dance Mix!"

"Dance to it in your springtime of YOUTH!" Gai declared, gallantly jumping onto a table, knocking over the punch bowl, which tipped over onto Ino's head, causing her to let out a bloodcurdling scream (Kakashi groaned, realizing that he could not turn up the volume of the music any louder).

Gai then proceeded to strip off his clothes (at this point, everyone averted their eyes, feeling rather sick).

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee shouted, eagerly following suit by jumping onto the other table, knocking over plates of snacks and stripping off his clothes.

"LEE!" Gai shouted.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee replied.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"Lee..."

"Yes, sensei?"

After a slight pause, Gai shouted, "Shut the hell up and stop it with the corny dialogue!"

"Yes, sir!" Lee shouted back to him, saluting.

"Guys." Kakashi had turned the music down so he didn't have to raise his voice. He was still looking away, afraid that his one visible eye would be scarred for life if he even shot a glance at them. "Do you...think you could...put your clothes back on?"

"Hell...NO!" Lee and Gai shouted at the same time, both grinning broadly.

"ALL RIGHT! NAKED PARTY!" Kiba shouted, holding up a fist. "WHOOOOOT!"

"GUYS, STOP IT RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KICK YOUR ASSES!" Sakura bellowed, shooting death glares at the naked ninjas (she instantly regretted this – after seeing Lee and Gai nude, she fell to the ground in a coma).

Naruto was staring across the room as a grin slowly formed on his face. His attention was now off of Sasuke, completely focused on Kakashi. "If we _do _have a naked party...then Kakashi-sensei will have to take off his mask!" He hurried over to Kakashi, but paused as he saw a book lying on the floor next to Kakashi's random CD player.

"Sensei's book..." Naruto murmured, completely awestruck. He picked it up, flipping through the pages. "Wow... Porn..."

- - -

Ino was sobbing in the corner, right next to Shikamaru, completely oblivious to the fact that he was high. "My...hair... MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! LOOK AT IT NOW!" It was stained a shade of pinkish-red, matching the color of her face exactly as she screamed her lungs out.

Kakashi, realizing the situation with Lee and Gai was hopeless, had turned up the music again to cover up Ino's screams. The song now playing was entitled "Vonage: Naked Dancer Funky Ninja Extreme Super Groovy Mofo Dance Remix."

Shikamaru just giggled, which made Ino do a double take.

"Did you...just..." She stared at him, mouth agape. "You didn't...just..._giggle_!?"

Shikamaru giggled again, and Ino fainted out of shock.

- - -

Amid all the screaming, stripping, dancing, drug abuse, and finger snapping (literally, in Kankuro's case), Sasuke didn't even notice Orochimaru standing behind him until a voice spoke in his ear, "Hello, Sasuke..."

Sasuke flinched visibly, automatically screaming, "DAMN IT, I'M NOT GAY! GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU CHILD MOLESTER, AND DON'T YOU _DARE _DO THAT TONGUE THING!"

At the sound of Sasuke's shouts, Naruto turned his head, yelling from across the room, "Sasuke, you manwhore! You never told me you had something going on with Orochimaru!" Kakashi's book fell from Naruto's fingers, hitting the ground with a dull thud.

"I'M NOT A FRICKIN' MANWHORE!" Sasuke screamed, flailing around, trying desperately to escape from the confines of the chair.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" The sound of Tsunade's voice rose above the "Vonage: Naked Dancer Remix" song. It also miraculously snapped Sakura out of her coma.

It took a while to get everyone quiet: Gaara was laughing insanely as he snapped off Kankuro's fingers one by one; Ino finally woke up and then started screaming again as she remembered that the punch bowl had spilled onto her hair; Gai and Lee had to be forced into their clothes (not a pretty sight); Kakashi started to panic because he couldn't find his Icha Icha book; Naruto was accusing Sasuke of "cheating" on him; Sasuke was still screaming at Orochimaru; Shikamaru was high; the Vonage song remix was still playing loudly; Neji was still struggling to free himself from Uvin; a girl named Gildergn was hiding in the shadows, trying to avoid a certain stalker; and newcomers were still arriving at the party.

But, finally, Gaara was sober; Ino was calmer once she began wringing fruit punch out of her hair; Gai and Lee were decent (well, sort of); Kakashi found his book; Naruto had forgotten about Sasuke and was now eyeing Kakashi's Icha Icha book; Orochimaru had stepped away from Sasuke (and Sasuke stopped shouting things like "SADISTIC RAPIST!" at him once Tsunade stuffed him into the nearest broom closet); Shikamaru ran out of drugs and began to calm down; someone had smashed the CD player against the wall and the music stopped; Neji gave up on escaping (he was "destined" to be attacked by fangirls on a daily basis, after all); Gildergn was convinced that her stalker was absent; and a certain degree of silence fell.

"All right, it's time for Secret Santa!" Naruto announced happily, grinning. "I hope you guys all brought presents!"

"Not really..." Sasuke muttered from the closet through gritted teeth, "...considering the fact that I was brutally dragged here against my will..."

Practically all of the ninja in Konoha had arrived (along with Edward Elric, whom Gildergn immediately glomped), and each person (with the exception of Sasuke) was holding a colorfully wrapped present.

This was definitely going to be _fun_.


	3. Secret Santa

**Note: This chapter is entirely dedicated to the wonderful Uvinkyu, who helped me so much with organizing the Secret Santa lists. You rawk, d00d.**

**Naruto and all other characters (besides Gildergn, Uvinkyu, and Edward Elric) © Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Edward © Hiromu Arakawa.**

**Gildergn and Uvinkyu © themselves.**

- - -

"Okay, now we can start!" Naruto was still grinning broadly, holding up a piece of paper with names scrawled all over it. "Okay, first we have me, 'cause I'm the most important! I was Itachi's Secret Santa! Itachi, here's your present!"

Itachi took the small, slender box, staring down at the bright orange wrapping paper with cups of ramen printed all over it. There was a small piece of paper inside. Nothing else. Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"It's a gift card! Look, see?" Naruto pointed at the title on the card: "FREE BOTOX."

Itachi's brow raised up another fraction of an inch.

"Don'tcha get it? You _seriously _need to do something about..._those _things... Those ugly wrinkles or whatever they are!" Naruto trailed his fingers down from under his eyes to his cheeks.

"Tch..." Itachi grumbled, walking away. "At least I don't have _whiskers_..."

Naruto blinked, not quite understanding Itachi's insult. "Uhm... Well, anyway! Next we have Sakura!" Glancing down at the piece of paper, he declared, "She was Kabuto's Secret Santa!"

Sakura calmly took a step toward Kabuto, cracking her knuckles. Her fingers curled into a fist and she brought her arm back, slamming it into Kabuto's face, shattering his glasses. "There, a nice punch. And here's your present."

Kabuto opened it. Inside was a new pair of glasses.

"Now it's Sasuke's turn!" Naruto broke the awkward silence, ignoring the blood dripping down Kabuto's face. "Sasuke, you were supposed to get a present for Orochimaru..."

"How about a normal-sized tongue?" Sasuke muttered, still stuck in the closet.

Itachi stepped forward, carrying a small envelope which he handed to Orochimaru. "This is Sasuke's present to you."

Sasuke glared at the closet door, making a face. "I'd _never _buy him a present... He'd probably take it the wrong way and molest me in my sleep..."

Orochimaru opened the envelope, staring at its contents. "Fifty percent off your next plastic surgery bill," he read aloud. "Gee, thanks, Sasuke!"

Sasuke just made another face. "Hn."

"Okay, and our next Secret Santa is Ino, who had to buy a present for Jiraiya!" Naruto chimed in.

Ino held out a slip of paper to Jiraiya. "It's a subscription to 'Perverts Anonymous.' Duh."

Jiraiya nodded gleefully, clutching the paper tightly.

"And Kakashi was Iruka's Secret Santa!" Naruto read from the list.

Iruka received a fluffy, stuffed dolphin.

And so it continued; Naruto would read off names from the list, and everyone would exchange presents.

Shikamaru bought Sasuke new clothes. "You know, something other than that hideous black body suit," Shikamaru had said as he shoved the gift into the broom closet.

Lee was Shikamaru's Secret Santa. Shikamaru blinked, staring with horror at the orange legwarmers Lee had gotten him. Lee mistook his stunned silence as awestruck reveling, so he shouted cheerfully, "I knew you'd love them!"

Actually, Shikamaru was already planning out how he would dispose of them. His favorite idea so far was to set them on fire.

Hinata received a self-esteem book from Neji. "Oh, th-th-thank y—" she began, but Neji cut her off.

"That's exactly why I _got _you the friggin' book in the first place... That stammering problem pisses everyone off..." Neji muttered. Uvin was still clinging to him, uttering little squeals of "Eeee, Neji!" every few minutes.

Shino gave Konohamaru a box of bugs; Hinata made Akamaru a Kiba-shaped squeaky toy; Gaara got Lee an eyebrow shaving kit; Tenten bought Kiba a breath mint; Konohamaru gave Shino one of his homemade disguise kits (which included square-shaped "rocks" to hide under while in "stalker mode" and big pieces of cloth to use while making poor attempts to blend into your surroundings).

Temari got a "How to Improve Your Sucky Hairstyle" magazine from Iruka; Kiba gave Ino a stuffed pig (named Ino, of course); Kankuro gave Gildergn a tiny Kankuro finger puppet (Gildergn looked like she was about to be sick, since Kankuro was her stalker and she couldn't STAND him); Asuma bought Kurenai a pack of his favorite brand of cigarettes; Kurenai's gift to Kakashi was a watch ("Because you're ALWAYS late!" Naruto and Sakura shouted once Kakashi opened his present).

Gai presented Neji with a joke book, which Neji stared at blankly, muttering, "What the hell is this supposed to be?"

"Jokes!" Gai proclaimed, flashing one of those hideously perfect smiles at him. "Because you need to lighten up! Hey, you should come and strip dance with us sometime!"

"N-No, thanks..." Neji said stiffly, suddenly feeling nauseated.

Uvin finally detached herself from him to give Choji his present (a gift card for all-you-can-eat barbeque).

Somehow, Choji managed to acquire a pack of cigarettes, which he gave to Asuma.

Temari was Gaara's Secret Santa, and she had gotten him a stuffed teddy bear with black eyeliner around its eyes. If Gaara didn't have such a terrible hangover, he would've smacked her and/or snapped off a few of her limbs (the whole "eyeliner" thing pissed him off because, dammit, he doesn't wear makeup!). But instead of taking out his anger, his eyes drooped shut and he fell to the ground. Asleep, but unnoticed by anyone.

Sakura wrinkled up her nose as Kiba gave her a present, telling her it was from Akamaru. Whatever it was, it smelled nasty. She cautiously opened the box, glaring at the label which read: "To Sakuratard." When she caught sight of what was inside, she screeched, "YOU GOT ME A PILE OF CRAP!?"

She dropped the present as if it contained some deadly disease.

It probably did.

"Yup!" Kiba chimed in, smiling gleefully. "Made especially for you by Akamaru, and wrapped courtesy of me!"

Sakura staggered to the side, leaning against the wall for support. "Remind me...to KILL you later..." she hissed through clenched teeth, trying not to faint.

Gildergn was Edward's Secret Santa, so she got him a pair of stilts. He seemed to be offended (Edward began to scream, "I'M NOT SHORT! I DON'T NEED STILTS! SOMEDAY I'LL BE TALL ENOUGH TO CRUSH YOU LIKE A BUG!"), so Gildergn apologized and glomped him again.

A horrified scream interrupted the gift exchanging, but everyone shrugged and ignored it once they figured out where it came from (the source of the scream was Neji, whose hair was currently being braided by Uvin).

Once Edward was calm enough (and once Gildergn had given him some personal space), he gave Naruto a detachable blond hair antenna for his Secret Santa gift. "It makes you taller by about three inches..." Ed whispered, poking the floppy piece of hair that stuck out from his head. "...But don't tell anyone, or they'll torment me even more." He shot a glare at Gildergn.

Itachi gave Tenten hair extensions ("From the super-duper Akatsuki hair salon!" he had exclaimed happily).

Orochimaru's gift to Kankuro was a spy kit, so he could improve his "Gildergn stalking skills" (Gildergn, at this point, could only stare down at her Kankuro finger puppet in horror).

Kabuto gave Gai an actual shirt and pants. "You see, pants and shirts were _not _meant to be a one piece outfit," Kabuto said, staring with revulsion at Gai's clothes before walking away, leaving Gai in puzzled silence.

Tsunade thoughtfully got Uvin a "mute button" which she stuck onto Uvin's arm. The fangirl squeals of, "Eeee, Neji!" faded away, but Uvin didn't seem to notice as she continued to braid Neji's hair.

Jiraiya gave Tsunade an Icha Icha book, and the Secret Santa ceremony was over. But of course, a party like this could never be peaceful for more than a few seconds...

"OH MY GOD! GAARA'S SLEEPING! WHAT THE F—" Kankuro had just realized that Gaara was lying on the floor, covered in layers of sand. And so Kankuro began to scream, but Temari smacked him on the head and he closed his mouth. Soon after, he had started screaming again. "GAARA'S SLEEPING! FRICKIN' APOCALYPSE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAAAUGH! OW, F—"

Temari had smacked him again, only this time with her giant fan.

"Man, that _hurts, _you know..." Kankuro whined, turning back to look at Gaara... "Uh-oh... Sh-sh-sh—" he began to stammer.

"Shukaku..." Temari muttered, taking a step back.

Kankuro moved away a bit, replying, "Uh, actually, I was going to say 'shit'..."


	4. Drunken Demon

**Note: I COMPLETELY blame you, Uvin, for this chapter... Thanks so much for the...uhm, party game idea...plus the AIDS cookie! This fanfic would be dead without you, d00d!**

**Naruto and all other characters (besides Gildergn, Uvinkyu, and Edward Elric) © Masashi Kishimoto.**

**Edward © Hiromu Arakawa.**

**Gildergn and Uvinkyu © themselves.**

- - -

"Okay, okay, don't panic, don't panic, don't panic, anyone..." Kankuro muttered nervously. "Just...uh...shove all the saké you can find down his throat!"

No one questioned him, but Temari gave him the "you've got to be freakin' kidding me" look.

"Get him drunk! Impair his judgment!" Kankuro shouted out orders to the ninjas who were hurriedly snatching up all the alcohol they could find. "And then we can play the famous party game 'Pin the Tail up the Demon's Ass'!"

"I don't even want to _know _what's going on out there..." Sasuke muttered from inside the closet.

And soon enough, when Gaara's transformation was fully complete, Shukaku staggered drunkenly, trying to maintain balance.

"All right!" Kankuro exclaimed triumphantly, striking a heroic pose. He cast a sideways glance towards Gildergn, wondering if she had seen his amazing 'victory,' but she was still staring, horrified, at the Kankuro puppet, twitching slightly.

"Time for party games!" Kankuro held up a long, slender, fuzzy piece of purple fabric with a pin stuck through it at the end. "I've got the tail! Who wants to go first?"

"Oh, oh, my turn!" Tenten grinned, snatching the "tail" from Kankuro's bandaged hand (there weren't many fingers left ever since Gaara had began to snap them off, and now Kankuro was wondering how the hell he could remain a puppet master when he was missing several fingers).

Staring at Shukaku, who was know completely drunk, Tenten confidently stepped forward. "This'll be easy... I can hit anything!" She tied the makeshift tail to a kunai, taking careful aim.

"Yay for party games!" Kankuro threw his bandaged hands into the air, running unknowingly between Tenten and Shukaku, right when Tenten released the tail attached to the kunai knife, aiming for Shukaku's ass.

"SON OF A B—" Kankuro stifled his scream, not wanting to seem wimpy in front of Gildergn. As he had run between them, the blade of the knife had pierced right through the bandage around his hand, stabbing him in one of his remaining fingers. "No—more—party—games!" he bellowed, clutching his bleeding hand.

A rousing chant of "STUFF SHUKAKU IN THE CLOSET!" rose up, and the demon was violently shoved into the closet in which Sasuke was already trapped.

Naruto's last words to him before the door closed were, "You've gotta come out of the closet someday, Sasuke!" It was almost as if they had a double meaning.

In the dim light filtering through the crack under the door, Sasuke and Shukaku just stared at each other in silence. Shukaku's gaze then dropped to the floor as he spotted a cookie.

"Don't touch that," Sasuke said, sounding bored. "It has AIDS."

Shukaku gave him a "what the hell?" glance.

"Yeah, I know," Sasuke replied nonchalantly. "Pretty fucked up around here, hn?"

- - -

Kakashi glanced down at his new watch. "Uh, guys... It's 2:00 AM... Don't you think we should go home?"

"Hell...yes..." Neji replied, furiously trying to unbraid his hair while Uvin tried to re-braid it.

"What about Sasuke?" Naruto piped up, glancing toward the closet.

A few murmurs of, "Screw Sasuke..." and "Who cares about him?" were heard through the crowd.

"I wanna play 'Pin the Tail up the Demon's Ass' again..." someone muttered as the ninjas began to shuffle out the doors.

Naruto's extremely short attention span had caused him to forget about Sasuke and shout out, "So, didja _love _it? Wasn't this party super-duper-uber fun? And the best part is, we get to have another one just like it next year! DATTEBAYO!"

A loud groan arose from the crowd.

"I know, I know... You guys just can't wait for next year, right?!" Naruto exclaimed, grinning. "Well, you don't have to wait _too _long, 'cause I think I'll be hosting a New Year's party really soon!"

Another groan, even louder this time.

- - -

"Hn." Still locked in the closet, Sasuke glared down at the AIDS cookie. "Hnnn... AIDS or starvation? ...Or I could get killed by the demon if it suddenly decides it doesn't like my supreme emoness... AIDS, starvation, or mauled by a demon? I can't even pick up the friggin' cookie in the first place even if I _wanted _to eat it..." He stared down at his wrists, bound to the arms of the chair. "This sucks... I wonder when they'll let me out..."

But by then, everyone had already left.

Now the question is: Will Sasuke ever come out of the closet? Who knows? Maybe next Christmas...


End file.
